Fixed Fantasy

“Spending the night alone again, Ivy?” my mum asks. I sigh. I’ve been in my room all day. I only came out for something to eat.

She doesn’t understand that I spend the day in my room because I want to, not because I have nothing to do. No-one understands me. No, not really. They think they do, but they don’t really. My mum and dad try to understand, and they try really hard. But I just don’t think it’s possible for anyone apart from me to understand it, to get it. My friends think they understand. But they don’t. and they won’t ever.

I’ve been this way ever since I was a kid, just no-one ever bothered to notice. Or maybe they did notice, but thought I would grow out of it. Or maybe they noticed something was weird, they just couldn’t work out what. They just could never work out why I had different friends every year, or why I could never look people in the eye when I talked to them. I still can’t look people in the eye. Not even my cat’s. I think it’s because I know that whatever I say will be a lie.

I find it difficult to keep the same friends for a long time. It’s as if, the longer they spend with me, the more they might know about me. The more they realise that I don’t speak any truth or actually mean anything I say. I don’t want anyone to know. It’s my secret.

I have loads of secrets. Well no, that’s not true. I tell people almost everything about me, like when and where I first had sex, or what drug I took last. It’s not that difficult to tell people information like that. The secret’s I keep are about how I tick, and why I do the things I do. No-one will ever know that.

My mum always looks at me disappointingly when I come home from school and head straight to my room. Or on the weekends when I don’t go out with my friends. She thinks I have no friends, and that‘s why I never go out. But I do. I really do!

“Why don’t you let me meet these friends?” my mum asks. It’s a good question really. Why not, why not let your mum meet your friends? Oh, the answer’s easy. I don’t want her to meet them. She doesn’t understand me, so she won’t understand them.

“What about you’re old friends?” she sighs, and gives me that look that’s supposed to make me feel bad. “What about Alex?”

I remember Alex. She was my best friend through out high school. She didn‘t get into the same school as me and had to go to a different one. We used to hang out all the time, go get cheesecake on the weekend, spend hours on the phone etc… But it got too much for me. I felt like I was drowning. There’s only so much social contact I can take before I just have to say, no.

I don’t have a best friend now; they’re too much work. More work than I’m willing to put in for only a short time gain. They’re not worth it in the end. It is better to have many friends, but no best friend. Best friends are too touchy. You don’t call them back, or you tell them that you don’t want to go out, and they think that you hate them. They start to think that you’re not worth their time. And it’s true I suppose, why bother with someone who doesn’t want to spend any time with you?

But they don’t understand that I need my space. I need the time for them to get to unknow me, to make them forget everything they knew about me. Enough time for me to turn into a different person. But by the time this has happened, it’s usually too late, and they’ve moved on.

I also need time to spend with my other friends. She, Alex, doesn’t know about my other friends. I don’t think she would be very happy with me if she found out about them either.

One of my other friends is called Olalla. She understands me. She gives me all the time that I need. She supports me through anything. And I support her through anything. Last week she had a drug overdose. She takes too many pills. I had to take her to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. I wasn’t scared though, when it happened. I knew she would wake up. I suppose you could call her my best friend, but I don’t want to call her that. How would my other friends feel if I said that?

Emily gets jealous too easily. Jacob thinks I fancy him. Casey invites me to all his parties. Michael and me go to the beach every weekend. Robin talks to me about his “guy” problems. He’s gay you see, and fancies Casey.

See, I’m actually quite popular. I have loads of friends! It’s just that no-one knows about them. Only I do. I don’t see why other people need to know them, they’re my friends, not their’s.

“What about Thomas?” my mum’s voice hard in my head. I hate it when people take me out of my head. “He was such a good boy, he was good for you”

Thomas was no good boy. Thomas was my boyfriend. Heavy influence on the was. He never really wanted me. He just wanted the sex. It was when I left him that my “thing” or problem, or whatever you want to call it got really bad. It was when I stopped spending time with “old” friends and started hanging out with my other friends more. I dunno, they just understood me more I suppose.

I have a new boyfriend now. His name is Eric. He’s lovely and protects me from everything. He’s bisexual, and used to date Casey. They still hang out though, and have “get togethers”. I don’t mind them fooling around, as long as they let me watch. And they always do. Eric has crazy tendencies though. He’s got schizophrenia or something like that, but it’s cool. Whenever someone annoys me I just tell him and he’ll go sort them out. He never gets in trouble though. He never hurts them in a way that could leave a mark.

My phone buzzes. It’s a text from Michael, and he wants to go to the beach. Thank you, Michael! I was looking for an excuse to get away from mum.

“I have to go, mum. I’ve got loads of work to do” She’s never happy when I leave the conversation to go and do “work”. I think she’s starting to realise that I don’t do my work anymore. After all, what’s the point?  We work through our whole childhood to get grades. Then we use those grades to go and get more work. We could die at any moment and we would have just wasted our lives working! What. Is. The. Point? Ha, I bunk my private studies and hardly ever do homework set. Hell, I hardly even do class work now. I just copy off of the friends that still like me. Teacher’s like me though, they think that I’m a hard working pupil. How wrong they are. I have better things to do than work, like hanging out with my friends.

I look at my phone again. Michael’s texted me back telling me to meet him at our place on the beach.

“Bye mum” I can hear her disappointed sigh .

I run upstairs, I’ve got to hurry. I can’t keep Michael waiting. I reach my bedroom, and shut the door.

The sand is warm today, and the tide is out. Michael’s there already laying on his towel. There’s no-one else on the beach. But why would there be?

I pick up the headphones that he offers me, and lay down on the towel he’s set out for me.
I pick up my headphones off of the bedside table and lay down on the bed.

I curl up next to Michael, and nuzzle his neck.
I curl up into the covers  and nuzzle the pillow.

“Hey Michael” I say into my sheets.